11.14.14

WHAT’S BEEN GOIN ON

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it’s been a while since i just talked to you guys…told you what’s been happening with me behind the scenes. so here we go…

the past 8 months or so has been really weird for me. i decided that me and my boyfriend of 6 years were better off as friends. i started dating another friend of mine not long after (should have waited more time looking back) then we broke things off a few months later. suddenly, i was dealing with living alone for the first time in my life…AND two breakups. honestly, i wasn’t doing great at all. i felt all those anxiety feelings creeping in. i felt uncomfortable in my own skin. i would lay in bed at night and just stare at the ceiling, mind racing with thoughts.

but i was determined to fight this feeling. i knew this was something that was put in my life for a reason. to teach me a lesson. how to be alone. how to feel comfortable all by myself. to some, that sounds silly. i have friends who LOVE being alone. they wouldn’t trade living alone for anything, they cherish their solitude. nope, not me. it’s all what you are used to, i guess. and i was most definitely not used to this alone thing.

so i decided to so a few things. 1. find a therapist i could vent to and 2. pour myself back into work. somehow it works out like that, one thing hits the fan (personal life) and the other picks up the slack (work). all of a sudden i was taking on projects that brought me joy, challenged me, kept me busy, and most of all made me feel happy again. for the last two months i have been pushing myself to the limits of busy (i know, i know, not the healthiest way either) and just in the last day or so i am starting to wind down a little. the holidays are around the corner, projects are coming to a little bit of a pause, and i’m getting smarter about not saying yes to every single thing. i want to be a good friend, a good boss, a good sister, a good person. and that’s hard when you are constantly looking at your calendar with sheer panic.

overall, if i was to check in with myself right now, i would say i am doing 80% better than i was. i’ve actually started to enjoy some of my time alone at the house after a long day. i’m starting to accept that everything will be okay again soon and i don’t need to rush anything. but there’s definitely still that 20% that feels a little lost and a little scared. so i guess we will see where i’m at in a few more months.

but i do want to say thank you for coming to this space, supporting me with your sweet comments on instagram, your kind emails…it all helps me through this strange time. seriously. i really appreciate it. i don’t want to talk about it all the time, because i don’t want to be a debby downer. i want you to come to this blog and feel inspired and happy. but i know sometimes it’s good to just keep it real with you all.

i hope you have a wonderful weekend. i’m gonna try to sleep in, eat long brunches, and maybe go to the long beach flea market. lots of love. – bri

(photo here)

74 COMMENTS

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    Katie says:

    I can completely relate you what you are going through. Two years ago I ended my marriage of 5 years (we had been together for 10 yrs), and the idea of being alone was terrifying because I had never been alone before. My house felt so empty and I felt so out of place and was at a loss of what to do with myself. I did what you did and completely threw myself into work, and took on a bit more that I should have. Now two years later, the dust has settled and I am very happy in my new life. I still deal with anxiety (especially at night), but its something that I’m working through. Please know that you are not the only one out here going through this and that it does get better! xoxo

    Chelsea says:

    thank you for the honesty, you wrote it beautifully and it wasn’t des pressing at all. So sorry for what you’ve gone thru, those are some serious hurdles and glad your finding your way. Love you space so much- it’s such an amazing jumble of happy, and creativity!

    http://www.hollandsreverie.blogspot.com

    Thank you for sharing your experience! I recently went through the same kind of experience, learning to be alone. At first it seemed ridiculous and hard. But looking back I’m so grateful that I was able to learn this lesson. It is such a valuable lesson and my life seems to be so much more full!

    Mollie says:

    Keep on rocking, girl.

    Kristi says:

    I’m happy to hear an update! 🙂 I noticed things were a little quiet on the personal level. I completely understand what you are going through, I’ve been there. I’ve been mostly single for almost 3 years now, but living by myself was a real struggle at first. It was hard to get used to coming home from work and not having someone to talk to, vent to, and when you’re sick, it’s like the world is ending being all alone! Luckily phone calls on my drive home with my sister and my dad have helped me and squeezing my kitty to death (whether he wants it or not) has also helped. I’m kind of at the reverse side of your story right now, I just moved from LA back to Washington State (where I’m from) but in a new city and I’m trying to date. I really enjoy my alone time and not having to be “on” after a long day at work. I’m worried I’m TOO used to being alone and its going to be hard having someone “fit in” to my alone time now. I NEVER thought I would feel like this. Stay strong! 🙂 xo

    Caitlin says:

    Hi Bri, you never owe us an explanation, but I am glad everything is getting better. And it’s so good you are taking care of yourself and seeking outside help – I always wait too long to do that and then I finally realize how bad things actually are and get the help I need and regret waiting so long. I know I don’t “know” you – but I have no doubt you will be (better than) OK, you are an amazing, lovely and talented person. These Tarotscopes have always brought me comfort
    http://thenuminous.net/category/astro/tarotscopes/

    and this post by her might too

    http://louiseandrolia.com/2014/04/24/how-to-cope-with-change-and-during-uncertain-times/

    🙂 Happy Weekend!

    Kennedy says:

    Break ups are the worst. And realizing you’re alone is the worst part of it.
    xoxo Kennedy
    Northern Indigo

    christina says:

    honestly i couldn’t have seen a better blog post today. you sharing your experience really saved me from allowing my negative thoughts to take over. i also am going through a break up and it has been really rough. this is the first time i’ve been alone too. so thank you for sharing. you have no idea how much this has helped me. wishing you the best and sending you positive vibes!! 🙂

    Hang in there! Living alone for a few years before getting married was the best thing that could have happened for both my well being and my relationship. It’s takes some getting used to, and you’ll learn a lot about yourself. I promise it will all be worth it! 🙂

    Alex says:

    Thanks for sharing such a personal experience. I can’t say I feel related cause I’m used to be alone. But I can understand how it feels. I think we all need to spend time alone, and we need to learn how to enjoy that time. So you’re doing the right thing and it’s just a matter of time before you feel better. Take this chance to learn to feel good with yourself again and get stronger, cause you never know… maybe love is waiting for you around the corner!

    Kat says:

    I always really appreciate these sorts of posts. You’re not alone. I’ve been in a similar season of life lately and found that getting a therapist is both really helpful and feels proactive (which is empowering). I hope you found someone who suits you well and will help you through this time. Cheers.

    maggie says:

    Bri, I love your personal posts. It is good to see that you feel you are on the right track and are learning to love being by yourself! I had the same transition last year after a nasty break up and found myself at a loss; my whole way of living was just smashed in front of me. So I had to put myself out there, reconnect with old friends, and pour myself into passion projects – and it paid off!

    Thank you for this post and everything you do with DLF.

    maggie
    http://www.shopean.etsy.com

    Leslie says:

    Congratulations to you for tackling your issues. Many people do not. It’s important to be okay with being alone–even if you don’t enjoy it. That way, you are willing to wait for the right kind of relationship.

    Appreciate your honesty and good luck to you.

    Sara says:

    Girl, for as shitty as breakups are… they are an opportunity to be in the best relationship of your life- the one with yourself. And it’s not always easy; it’s basically reverse from relationships with other people. Instead of being in that honeymoon period, the beginning of the relationship with yourself can be really awful. But, as some relationships with other people can get dull and boring after time, the relationship you have with yourself gets SO SO SO SOOOOO GOOD. Give it time, try to look at yourself the way you would look at a best friend. Do nice things for yourself, take long baths, take yourself on solo movie dates and buy yourself flowers. I’ve been living alone for the last 3 years, and it was so difficult at first to reconcile all the time I had to myself, but now I can’t get enough. I LOVE being with myself. I think I’m so cute and funny and cool, the same way I feel about a great friend and I absolutely love spending time by myself. If you’re feeling adventurous, take a trip to a completely foreign place and go alone. I went to Paris this year without knowing a soul, and had the most novel worthy experiences- memories I will cherish with myself til the day I die. Getting to know yourself is the most special thing you can do in your life- I can’t wait for you to find your new best friend 🙂

    Tish says:

    inspiration can be found in the woman who’s making a lovely attempt at getting to know her new self… Accepting change… Being sincere and open about the one thing we all do … Live our lives. You’re ok no matter what. Whether you stumble or soar you’re a ball of beautiful light (aka part of The Universe) so don’t worry about Debbie downerisms… We’re women. We get it lol… Glad you’re feeling better. High five on your solo time. I totally recommend listening to Miles Davis’ “Kind of Blue” on a Sunday morn alone. Nothing beats it.

    Amy says:

    Thank you for sharing. I just got divorced after 14 years. I’ve never lived alone either. Being alone makes me feel so uncomfortable, but I’m working very hard to embrace it and be comfortable in that space. You’ve filled me with hope and comfort to fight off the anxious feelings as I approach a weekend with lots of alone time on the docket. I know in time I will cherish this time. Thank you for bringing that to the surface again.

    Abbey says:

    Totally feel you, Bri! My boyfriend and I of 7 years broke up in June and it has been a weird transition. So glad you are feeling better, and here’s to the future! 🙂

    Alexandra says:

    It’s a beautiful brave thing to reach out, we all go through stuff at different times of our life but it’s nice to remember you’re not on your own. Just keep moving forwards and sending happy, relaxing, peaceful vibes your way.

    Kasi says:

    Thanks so much for sharing! I’m sure there are many of us who have been following your blog for a long time, have met you, etc. and love these little updates not because we’re snoopy but because we care about you. You inspire me all the time, but you’re a 3-dimensional person and you’re appreciated during up times and down.

    Caroline says:

    Adjusting is the hardest part and I truly believe that these things happen for a reason. Us girls need to stick together and understand ourselves. The best advice I was given after being newly single (my longest single period to date) was: “Date yourself! Learn about what you love about yourself. Learn about your favourite things.”

    All the best! Keep being colourful and vibrant.

    Caroline

    Caroline says:

    ^^^ ONE more thing. When you have a crappy day, let yourself have a crappy day. Feel all of those feelings. Ride the wave! If you feel every feeling you can start healing – let them come. It’s ok! xx

    Elle says:

    I really like the way you remember to do this every now and then. Amidst all the mind blowing amazingness you push our way on a daily basis, you show us some real human. Sorry that things have been tough, but I think you have a good head on your shoulders…and a beautiful open heart. We all see that. You wont feel blue for long.

    Jen says:

    Bri, you made me tear up! I can completely relate to what you are going though. Your relationship ended around the same time mine did so I feel a bit like you are my silent-guide- soul-sister through all this. I’m so glad to see you are doing better – I too, realized that I needed to learn to be comfortable with myself again – learning who I am and just being alone. Things you sometimes lose when you’re in long term relationships. You are a great person and I know good things are in store for you, me and everyone else who can relate. 🙂

    kellen says:

    I love your honestly…it really makes you relatable and reminds people you’re a person too. It’s easy to forget the person on the other side of the screen is real, and you don’t let us forget it. Anxiety is something I deal with constantly but every time someone opens up about struggling with it too it makes me feel a little bit better, because I know I’m not alone.

    XO Kellen

    Monica says:

    The tale of life will be an eternal conversation. I agree that the lows are what we find most difficult – often prone to falling deeper into its mysterious abyss. But I would like to remind you just as we have our high’s, there are low’s because they do indeed serve a purpose. Our lows are what bring a pause, a moment to reflect in solitude all of the big questions we’ve managed to push back and put a hold in the midst of our hurriedness. There’s a limit to how much we can do and for however much time. So I’d like to encourage you to ask those questions similar to, “what do I do?” or “there has to be more than this..” because questions are what leads us to answers. It’s evident that you have talents in the arts but sometimes work will have its limits in answering those questions and relieving your exhaustions. I pray that you’ll pull through this season of distress. with many virtual hugs as I can give, Monica♥

    Robyn says:

    Thanks for sharing your story and experiences Bri, it’s so inspiring! I’m sorry you’ve been in a dark place, but you’re doing everything right to find the light 🙂 I had to find the strength to be happy alone a few years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. Wishing you all the best, keep shining your light 🙂

    -Robyn

    Janice says:

    We all go through break-ups, so you aren’t alone in those feelings – we can all relate to you. I just think you’ve already shown how strong you are, and how regardless of your pain you are still willing to be out there and open with your heart. You’re already so much stronger than you think. xo.

    Ashla says:

    I’m not someone who comments often but I wanted to let you know that I really appreciate this post. Its come at a really good time since I’m going through pretty much exactly what you described in this post, and it feels reassuring to know that I’m not the only person who feels that way.
    I also wanted to say that you shouldn’t feel like you have to explain why you wrote this post. This blog is a reflection of you, and you are awesome! People come here to be inspired by YOU, and what’s more you than spilling your heart and showing your friends and readers who you really are, imperfections and all!? If anything this post has made me respect you even more than I already did. So don’t be afraid that you are being a Debbie downer. I sure don’t see it that way, and I’m willing to bet nobody does!

    love you, girl and so, so proud of you! here’s to some interesting and new adventures in the next coming months. xoxo

    Bri, you’re such a jewl. Also, you are a role model to me. I may not know you in person and may not know you much at all, however what I know about you keeps me inspired to keep going. A lot of the problems that you mention you are going through are the same as mine. Believe me, I could have given up already if it wasn’t for you somehow. Thank you very much, because indirectly you’ve helped me a lot. I just have this great feeling of empathy to you.

    Things are going to get better, sweatheart. For both of us and everyone else.

    Keep on smiling. Lots of love.

    Fina Tejada says:

    I love your honesty. Sending you love and light.

    kate says:

    hugs to you, Bri. learning to be your own best friend can be hard but one of the biggest accomplishments you can make in your life. you’ll look back and be glad you went through this. and if anything, learning this stuff will help you have a healthy and happy relationship when the right one comes along 😉 do you, girl.

    Brianne says:

    Dealing with real life IS inspiring to read about! It’s good to read the update! Thank you for your honesty. It inspires others to be honest too. As for learning to be alone… Hard but wonderful. You’ll get used to it and then one day when you’re not alone you’ll look back fondly on the memories you have by yourself. That sounds kinda sad written out haha. But I mean it!

    Maurine says:

    LOVE what you said right here: “somehow it works out like that, one thing hits the fan (personal life) and the other picks up the slack (work).”

    Thanks for that 🙂

    Defne says:

    We truly love you and all the work you’ve done and shared generously with us..
    You are an amazing girl, we are lucky to find you..
    Lots,lots of love.. <3 <3 <3

    Kelly says:

    Thanks for sharing your story, Bri. I’m glad to hear you’re already feeling better. I’m sure that when the time is right, everything will eventually fall in place and you will have a beautiful relationship with an equally beautiful person. Hugs!

    Thanks for your honesty. I wish you all the best. Kisses from Seville (Spain!!!.
    http://openingwindowsculture.blogspot.com.es/

    Christina Gliati says:

    I live alone too,I love to. I cannot say I feel lonely, just a little sometimes.I would not change it for the world. Kisses from
    Greece.

    Serena says:

    Dearest Bri, you can make this. Sending lots of love your way!

    lulu says:

    Thank u so much.

    amber rose says:

    i’m sorry to hear that things have been difficult for you this past year, but i’m glad to hear that you are doing better. i’m one of those people that really enjoys being alone, and i take pride in my solitude, although, i think partially it stems from always feel self conscious, judged, or some sort of weird negative feeling when i’m around others. when i’m alone i know i can always be myself, and when i’m around other people i’m more insecure about who i am, because i want people to like me so much that i get afraid or paranoid i’ll do or say something they won’t like! also, i’m a workaholic, and i love my work, so i know that if i’m alone, i can just work, haha.

    transitions are something that always take time, and it seems like you are starting to adjust. it’s good that you just made some small changes, like, being able to vent to a therapist. that helps! just having someone, unbiased, that you can unleash to and bounce ideas off of. that way you’re not just in your own head! i’ve heard that going out and eating out at a restaurant by yourself is a good way to feel more comfortable being alone, but i’ve never had to experience it myself.

    in any case, i think you’re an amazing designer, creative director, and artist with some really beautiful visions and ideas, and i’m sure you have many, MANY more good things that are going to come your way. Hang in there <3

    Jillian P says:

    Dear lovely Bri,

    Thanks so much for sharing this with you. You’re so brave! And wonderful. I’m happy to hear you’re enjoying your alone time and finding things that are better and healthier for you. That takes courage! And you’re doing it! You’re an inspiration to me and so many others. Please know that.

    We love you!
    xx. Jillian

    look see. says:

    It really can take some time to get used to alone time. I’ve always loved alone time, but there’s a big difference between alone time and … *alone* time – especially after a breakup (or two). I hope that niggly 20% decides to bugger off a bit and lets you get some peace! x

    Jenna says:

    Thank you for bravely sharing your story with us, your readers. We’re here for you during these transitions. I’m also known to throw myself into one side of life when the other is not going as I think it should. Big hugs.

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    Sophia Castano says:

    Bri,

    You are incredible, there is no way around that. You will figure this out, and trust me, I am right there with you. Everyday is a new day; cheesy but true.

    Sending you some love and a big hug!

    Rebecca says:

    We grow up in the most incredible ways. This is precisely why I love the raw truth that comes out in blogs and writing. Brazen and vulnerable, and a new you.

    Keep shining your big bright light, Bri. We need more color, brilliance and resilience in the world!

    Big Love. XO,
    Rebecca

    Ellly says:

    Oh bri. Thank you for being so open. I find that really inspiring. I often find myself looking at some blogs and instagram sites of these wonderful talented women(one of them is you) and feel my life is so imperfect in comparison. By looking at the pretty pictures you would think they have it all figured out and lead perfect lives. Don´t get me wrong, I don´t wish anything bad to anybody but it is good to know that behind the pretty pictures everybody has their struggles. It makes you feel less alone I guess. I hope you get what I mean…obviously english is not my first language 🙂

    Rach Bryant says:

    Bri, opening up is so brave, not at all depressing!

    I just finished reading Brene Brown’s book called daring greatly. I would highly recommend it. Her ted talk is one of the best ever.

    Also the best break up book I have ever read, totally cheesy but funny and full of great advice. Break up because it is broken.

    We have all been there. Life can be magical on the other side 🙂

    Rach xx

    Bri, I took your Blogshop class last spring. It’s funny because while the class was fabulous and your career, life, and blog seemed perfect – I sensed there was a slight sadness unfolding under the surface. Oddly enough that real part of you that crept into the class was the part that made the class more relevant and interesting to me. (I am often the person who is listening to what is set but is assessing the nuances in the room that I feel.) We all go through slumps! You will live through it, grow through it, and come out on the other side stronger and braver. I too am not someone who feels comfortable with being alone. It’s tough work getting to a place where you see the beauty and peace in it. I hope a few moths from now you are at 99% – knowing that life is never 100%. That’s what makes it so exciting! There is always a slight element of the unknown… Keep up the good work!

    Martina says:

    these words are as inspiring as the rest of your blog. thanks for posting this <3

    Abigail says:

    Good for you for recognizing what is best for you. Many would just deal with things sacrificing true happiness in the end.

    You CAN do this!

    Laura dunn says:

    It’s true you never know what battles other people are fighting. It’s great that this is a place where people are supportive and friendly. You are lucky!

    Anne Field says:

    Keep taking care of yourself. I predict you’ll look back on this time (very soon, probably) and know it was a beautiful and necessary part of your growth as an awesome human being. Have a good holiday with your family, and bring that parka!

    Dana says:

    I understand your feelings. Really good. Years ago, i was in the same position.
    I had a breakup after 5 years. It was terrible.
    But I was sure that everything comes to me as it has to come.
    The alone time was also terrible. But I needed it.
    You’re not alone. Take a deep breath and remember this is all again sometime much better.

    xo
    Dana 🙂

    Bailey says:

    It continues to surprise me how aligned our situations are right now. I’ve been dealing with a break-up from my boyfriend of 7 years, and have used the phrase “Debbie Downer” in my own blog posts several times in the months since (including today, in fact). Hearing that you’re doing better as time passes is helping to make me feel less anxious/afraid of the future. Thank you for sharing what you’re going through.

    Sarah says:

    Thanks for sharing a little of the not-so-nice. Most of us go through times like those in our lives at one point or another and it helps to know this too shall pass. I wanted to comment to say I loved this post and I LOVED the response from reader Sara above. I’m copying that as an affirmation to remember! I just love what she said about appreciating yourself as a good friend who you think is so cute, funny and cool. I forget that sometimes, but even when I don’t have a guy around to tell me that, I can tell it to myself 🙂

    Plus, thank god for cats!

    Jenna says:

    It’s been a while but I remember your as a very vibrant and outgoing girl freshman year in high school. Being alone is a very difficult yet refreshing thing to grow into of which takes patience, persistence, and time. You’ve got all of that stored down below. Very proud of you and wish you the very best, Bri!

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